Thursday, 21 April 2005

The Usher Avoids Certain Death

Who would have ever thought that going to a recital would be a risk to one's own life and limb? That's exactly what happened to the Major General Music today.

It started okay~the Major General Music performed "Sure on this Shining Night" by Samuel Barber at the Department Recital No. 1 at 11 A.M. seemingly to the crowd's enjoyment. Then he remembered there are two other recitals held today because all the students are scrambling to earn recital credits this semester, so he thought to himself, "Self, this is a good chance to pad on the concert credits and look good as a member of Delta Omicron and usher!" So that the Major General Music did, only to discover that it can be hazardous to his health.

Let the Major General Music explain a policy on Hope College's campus regarding attendance at events sponsored by the music department~SHOW UP ON TIME and ASK FOR A WHITE CARD! Delta Omicron takes care of ushering the concerts, recitals, and convocations. To prove you attended one of these, you politely ask the nice Delta Omicron usher for a white card, the nice Delta Omicron usher smiles brightly and says, "Yes, you may have a white card," you fill in the date, your name, the name of your professor/private instructor(s), and for which class (Music 101, Theory I or II, or private lessons) you are attending, and then you give it back to the waiting nice Delta Omicron usher by the door after the event is completely finished. Simple enough, right?

Delta Omicron and the music department make it a strict policy to be on time, just like President Bush does, to some Democrats' chagrin. Events begin on time, and once they do, the lights go down, the doors shut, and you will NOT enter the room while a performance is going on-during applause is fine but NOT while the soloist or ensemble is performing! Also, once the event begins, the nice Delta Omicron ushers no longer will hand out a white card. If you do not show up on time for a concert, that's too bad for you. It is NOT the nice Delta Omicron usher's responsibility to ensure your academic success.

The Major General Music, as the new Director-elect of Musical Activites for Delta Omicron (a.k.a. "Usher Nazi-elect") here at Hope College, has worked very hard as an usher and according to policy, does not play games. Ask him politely for a card before a performance, and he'll gladly give you one with a free cheeky comment. Show up late, and he'll give you a program and let you in between works, but no white card. It's as simple as that. He doesn't give a flying rat's behind about your social life and sudden desire to get credit after a concert starts even though the doors are open for 30 minutes before performances even start.

Unfortunately, two Philistines decided to not pay attention. During Department Recital No. 2, the two barbarians callously walked in during the Nice Girl's oboe performance, annoying both Nice Girl and Talented Staff Pianist. Then the two Philistines, spying the Major General Music's remaining little white cards in the dark auditorium, demand he give them "their" white cards. The Major General Music, serving as one of two nice Delta Omicron ushers, stood his ground and refused, which enraged the two madmen. They began to create a disturbance and yelled obscenities at the Major General Music at an ever-increasing volume. Finally, the two Philistines threw their programs at the Major General Music after nearly attacking him and stormed out of the auditorium, once again distracting Nice Girl and Talented Staff Accompanist. The Major General Music then slumped in his seat, relieved at not being rewarded with a black eye for not backing down and embarrassed at the tumult caused during the recital. The veteran nice Delta Omicron usher and Usher Nazi-elect was then commended by the chapter President and Vice President and told to not be ashamed. The Major General Music then did smile brightly and merrily went on to serve as the nice Delta Omicron usher for Department Recital No. 3 and subsequently collapsed in exhaustion from his efforts of ushering and defending Delta Omicron's honor.

Comments(5)

What a terrifying event. Way to stand your ground. They sounded dasdardly rude and should be attacked by some mad gnawing squirrel beast. How did they so rudely enter into the performance room? I know it is different but when I was in solo ensemble they had sentries posted at the doors of the rooms. They were like the golden statues in The Never Ending Story with the lazer eyes.

chickenlittle27

What an excellent idea! I must get some golden statues with lazer eyes for Delta Omicron and train everyone how to use them. That or I should be given the power to zap people. That'd be very helpful in enforcing the policy when people begin to get uppity with me if I could zap them. Might I add, the two Philistines entered the room despite the well-worn sign right outside the door which reads, "Performance in progress-please enter only during applause."

Major_General_Music

Nonono, those types of people pay no mind to signs and whatnot. You need gold lazer eyed statues or at least people with mace on the outside at the doors.

chickenlittle27

If I acquired the necessary powers, couldn't I just zap them instead? Then I wouldn't have to buy lazer-eyed statues and save Delta Omicron a bundle on those and the costs of pepper spray!

Major_General_Music

Hi Tyler...i didn't know u had an xanga. I hope college is going good. talk to ya later!! Elise

Princess_Weezie