Friday, 14 March 2008

When it rains... it REALLY pours

I feel like a drowned rat, washed away into a storm drain in a pounding rainstorm.

So much for the hopes of student teaching being a dream. So much of it being an absolutely joyful time. I knew it wouldn't be a cakewalk, but I didn't exactly imagine it being such an emotional roller coaster ride taking my whole family with me.

Why, Lord, why? Did I do something? What is this for? I'm not saying You've abandoned me because I know You haven't, but I haven't felt this alone in so long.

Supposedly they're trying to "help" me with the Education Department, offer me "support." But I don't know if they are anymore. If things don't go really well, then I beat myself up. I've become a flagellant, like those monks who abused themselves, only without the antiquated self-torture devices. There's nothing emotionally left of me if things don't go right. One of my mentor teachers has said that I haven't been myself and that I'd probably relax when this "support" goes away. But what now?

WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME?!

Trygve once said at The Gathering to pray audaciously, to pray boldly. I don't think I've done that and I need to. Fine.

Lord, I think I figured out this week that I care about those students. Disciplining them is one of the hardest things I've ever done, even though I know I have to. It's good for them, and ultimately keeps rehearsal going. But is it ever hard. And I know I can do it at the elementary level. But I want to be able to teach at the secondary level. I know I CAN. I've been told I can do it. So Lord, let me do it. Open a way for me to do this. And set me free from the burden the Education Department has placed on me. I don't believe it's helping anymore.

I need rest. God, provide that. Be my Rest. Be my Source of strength. Be my Renewal.