Tuesday, 11 September 2007

Finding My Way... My Journey

I had to finish my journey project for Senior Sem by 2 P.M. on Monday This wasn't the easiest task in the world-looking back on my spiritual journey has not been an easy task. Dr. Powers said in class after I made my presentation that it IS a healthy process, which I agree is true, but it was extremely painful at some points. Reliving some of the memories I had freshman year... understanding the great amount of damage I did to people... realizing how badly I had defiled my church, a house of worship, with my own purposes. It nearly left me in tears at one point. I had never let my relationship with my own Savior, Who loves me more than ANYONE, slip farther away than during high school. My family worried about me constantly. It hurt deeply when Jordan told me last summer that my mother asked him one point during my senior year of high school, "Is Tyler EVER happy? He never seems happy." The fact is, I probably wasn't very much at all. Very rarely was I ever at peace, at rest. I put an unhealthy amount of stress on myself with music and academics in high school, I pushed practically everyone away (which explains why I was close with very few of my peers), and I didn't even try and focus on God. No wonder.

And then it all came crashing down. In two months after arriving at Hope, I was broken. I understood that I wasn't a great musician, and Dr. Richmond made that very plain to me. I may have had potential, but I wasn't great. And I realized just how far I had slid spiritually, not to mention what I had done to my church family and everyone with whom I had grown up.

But like a classmate said to me, maybe it is for the best that I was so thoroughly beat down emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It allowed me the chance to start over, to set things to straight, and to open up and let God change me. Who knows what I'd be like or where I would be spiritually if I HADN'T had that experience, difficult as it was?

It's funny the timing of this; a classmate asked me at Chapel Choir retreat, sort of out of the blue, why I believe in Jesus. I think my answer now is two-fold: a literal belief of what He said that "no one comes to the Father except through Me," and also that He personally changed me. Jordan once said he doesn't believe humanity is necessarily good or evil, but weak, and I think I agree. Evil results because it is easier, the path of least resistance. I don't claim to be a completely good person because I know I'm a human still wrestling with a sinful nature. However, I know that God made a change in me after what happened to me freshman year. I lacked the ability to change myself into something greater, better, and more pleasing to Him from that vain, spiteful, self-serving musician of years ago. I couldn't make the change, but God could, and He was willing to reach out and do that.

It amazes me. I'm still stressed plenty of the time, but I manage, and I understand that's simply life in college. I'm not constantly miserable like before. Mom and Dad seemed to have a little trouble recognizing me between that and the 40 pounds I lost. They worry about me with everything I always have to do, but it's not the same fearful worry that my mother expressed years ago to Jordan. I know I can run to Jesus for everything, and experience has taught me what inspiration REALLY means. Prayer and Bible study are REAL. And I couldn't be more thankful for friends who pray, especially those venerable Bible Studs. Ben. Jim. Steven. Jay. Dave. Pete. Drew. Robby. Brandon. Nate. Nik. Jon. Matt (both of them). Zach. Ryan. Ross. Gordie. Andrew.

I AM grateful when people compliment me on the progress I've made with music; how can I not? It's what I've chosen to do, and if God has given me that gift, then I should use it. But I try to be gracious; I honestly try, and when it's in church, I try to never forget that in that setting, it's never, EVER a performance but an act of praise to the Father above.

I guess when it all comes to it, it's pretty simple...

I believe there is God, in persons Three: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
I believe that man cannot save himself, but God reached out to save humanity through Jesus by sending Him to earth, His death on the cross, and His resurrection three days later, and that this is the only salvation available.
I accept this gift.
And I want to try to please Him with my life, doing what He calls me to do.