I Think We're Even Now

A weekend away from home together for the first time in forever (NO ONE working!).  The Grand Rapids Symphony.  The Return of the King.  And did I mention none of us working?!  How often does that happen anymore? (Answer: it NEVER does.)

Yes, we had it set up pretty much perfectly.  Much to my surprise, my mother had come to enjoy The Lord of the Rings up to that point and was looking forward to seeing the last part on the giant screen in the DeVos Performance Hall with all the musicians performing everything live.

It was a ton of fun.  We met up with a friend (Will) and even brought him home with us.  I saw Sean for like, two seconds.  Mom and Jordan saw him for probably ten times longer.  But the best surprise was seeing some friends that I don't remember seeing for a couple of years - Pastor Leslie & Elissa Lew.  And having seen them... I realized then how much I've missed my pastor, his wife, and fellow friends in music.  And I still miss making awesome music.  Someday I'll do what I once did when the right opportunity strikes.

But what has bothered me so much is what happened while we were talking to our long-missed friends.  A colleague from my days at Hope that I hadn't seen since the day s/he graduated spotted me in the performance hall.  S/he looked exactly the same and apparently I hadn't changed much in looks either.

"Tyler...?"
"Yes?"
"Do you remember me?"
"Yeah, of course I do. -Name-" (not really important, nor helpful; this person IS definitely real but shall remain unnamed)
"I thought I recognized you;  I just wanted to say hi."
"Hey."

And that was it.  My colleague walked through the heavy doors, and... the awkwardness was palpable.  My mother said, "Wow.  That's not like you.  You weren't rude, but that was icy."  My pastor asked what that was about, and I could have sunk into a hole.  Jordan replied with, "Does the term 'nemesis' help put things into perspective?"  We then moved on with the conversation and that was that.

But I couldn't have been more disappointed with myself.  That ISN'T like me.  I'm usually giddy to see people I remember from years ago, be it old friends from high school, people I worked with at camp, friends from Hope, etc.  And I did that.  True story.

Here I am, claiming to be a Christian.  Trying to live how I should, teaching kids at camp and at youth group how to live life and be an example to them myself... and I definitely failed.  Monstrously.

And maybe I was justified to do that in some respects.  As I looked back, nothing I did for this person was ever good enough. All I heard in response was complaints and how "This isn't a personal attack, but... (fill in the blank)" etc.  Nothing was simple.  I never had help or support.  Whining all the time. (personal pet peeve).  An unwarranted sense of self-importance and self-involvement.  Needless to say, I grew to loathe this person and I had no respect (on personal or professional level) for him/her because I felt s/he had forfeited it.  Even standing near him/her in rehearsals was challenging at times.

Whether I was justified in this view or not, it happened.  It's not the most pleasant part of my collegiate career to remember, but one of the rare instances where I flat-out didn't get along with someone, which still evidently bothers me.  I figured I wouldn't see him/her much, if at all after we were both graduated, much to my relief at the time.  Like many things... all this largely faded into the dusty part of my memory, not really resolved, remembered or forgotten.  Just there.

And apparently when the time came to rise to the challenge, under the category of the great question of, "Can or would you love someone that's difficult to love?" or maybe more specifically, "This person wronged you (or at least you THINK and FEEL s/he did) some time ago, and you HAVE to talk to him/her now.  What will you do?"

I failed.

I remember writing in my old blog (my now-defunct Xanga, HA!) about a particular service of The Gathering where Trygve taught on forgiveness and looking really hard at us about what we truly need to let go and where there is still burning anger and resentment.  I think I need to revisit that particular truth because although I may have grasped that truth at least at the time, my grip may be slipping.

I haven't forgiven.  At least not completely.  And when I had a chance to be the kind of man that I should have been, I wasn't.  And I hope I can make things right someday with this person, as hard as that may be.  Because in the meantime...

I think we're even now.  And that's never how it's supposed to be.