Belize: I'm in WAY Over My Head

As I bring myself back to writing again, I can't help but marvel at the adventure that lies before and,

1. How God has brought me to this place over the past three months, and
2. How He even provided for me to go. I don't understand a lot of this but... here I am!

Leaving on a missions trip, much less to a foreign country (Belize!) still doesn't feel quite real. In some ways, I'm excited and ready! I can't wait to go with these students, share the joy with them in serving others, and grow together in a way that only unique opportunities like a missions trip affords (and as they've rightfully said, find ways to take that heart back home with them). Plus... traveling is fun and these kids are awesome! Some of my favorite memories from pretty much ever were show choir trips, Chapel Choir tours, and the big family trips to Europe. Travel is hard to beat when it comes to having a blast and making memories. And I believe God is going to do something good on this trip.

Like I said, in some ways, I feel ready! I'm excited...

But... in other ways, I don't feel ready or qualified in the least. Why me? Why am I one of the leaders on this trip? I've had this sense that I'm *NOT* the right person. "Someone else! Let them go with the kids! Anyone but me!" I've had this sense of inadequacy that hit me last week and in some sense, I haven't known what to make of it, and in other ways, I think I know exactly why I have it.

So what do I see or hope for? That despite not feeling ready, the butterflies, and not feeling up to the challenge, I will hold fast to Paul teaches in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." Paul accomplished much while serving, despite the "thorn in his flesh" he had, his own sense of inadequacy, and pleas to God to remove. I hope and pray that through it all... I will go forth courageously, be a blessing both to and with my kids and to the Belizean people as we serve together and that we can all grow together in Christ.

I cannot wait. 

God as a Friend?

Typically, I hate that analogy.

God is our Creator, Father in Heaven, Savior, and Holy Spirit that lives in us.

To reduce all of that to "friend" seems a like it really misses the point.

However, I heard some great perspective from the evening service tonight at church. I've worked with the high school youth group for almost six years now and I was reminded one of the greatest reasons why: we grow as Christians together (in the soil of HOPE, as Trygve taught me some years ago while I was a student at Hope College).

The youth group just arrived home from their missions trip, serving at camp, and one of the offered some incredible perspective on how God is ACTUALLY our friend.

*Paraphrased*

"I've always known that God loves me and that He's my Savior and King. That part I've always understood and made sense to me. What really got me is how incredibly personal He is, like a REAL friend. I've never really understood until now and it's incredible."

We were told that this was an incredible (and emotional) discussion and I loved hearing about it. I don't like the idea of reducing God simply to a friend, but when it's put in the perspective of that close friend who gets you on the deepest level and loves you like another family member (as opposed to acquaintances that we might label "friend" but not really truthfully)... that I certainly agree with.

Proud as can be of these kids. Looking forward to the rest of summer and what it holds with them.

Over My Head

Great thoughts from the guys in Starfield (not my work at all)

The wonder of all You've made,
Foundations Your hands have laid,
Bringing me back to my knees, to my knees...

I'm lost for the words to say,
Lost for another way,
Bringing me back to my knees, to my knees.
I'm lost for the words to say,
Lost for another way,
Ruined for anything other than Your love.

I'm desperate to know You, Lord,
Desperate for what's in store,
Finding my hope in only You, in only You.
Take me beyond this door,
Lead me to something more,
Open my heart up for more of You, more of You

From a Friend

I received an e-mail tonight from a friend; a very close friend.

He shared some wisdom that hit me between the eyes in the best way possible.

"...when I am serving or thinking about others and not myself, I am filled up with God's peace and joy and those things actually benefit me, my heart, my soul. I don't want to waste my time here by living selfishly in a way that is neither beneficial or constructive to me or God's kingdom."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

What an awesome goal.

Reawakening

I haven't written in forever, and I have missed it a ton. Here's to hopefully more regular postings, whether anyone else besides me reads these or not.

I loved writing about life happenings and life musings and include the occasional weird side posts. When I looked back over four years' worth of college journals, it was truly fascinating (and cringe-worthy) to see how my writing gradually evolved, though. But I digress.

As I look to start writing more regularly, I can't help but think of one of the consistent themes that I wrote on a lot while at Hope: community & prayer. I look back on my four years and some of the most profound were the late nights with the Bible Studs as a group or meeting with one or two of them about whatever, small talk or deep, whether prayer was involved or not.

I'm reading Following Jesus in the Real World right now (among the prodigious list of things on my reading list, which I'll never clear, especially at this rate - I am a poster child of 積ん読 tsundoku, it seems). Although I've been out of school for six years now, some of the stuff Richard Lamb talks about really have been hitting home really hard, notably finding the balance of community with work and how we often come to value that so highly in college and then having to figure it all out again after. I admittedly predicted I wouldn't have much to figure out after moving home after college. I knew everyone, or most everyone! Having eventually finding a good job where I grew up after working at camp for five years, I'm fairly settled now back at home, but this particular issue has been a major surprise. I definitely have been fighting this very thing myself after starting at my new work. I truly enjoy my job and learning so much, but I can see it's challenging figuring out the simple fact of fitting in everything that matters with a job even five months later hasn't been easy.

But back to the community and prayer aspect. I was reminded of last weekend while visiting Ross last weekend. He and I are still both pretty fresh out of college and Ross is even newer at his job than I am and works even more hours than I do. That takes some courage to even work the kind of nutty schedule he has. Yet in our talking, I was duly impressed with how he's made it his business to find time for things that matter to him, one big one becoming involved with Ada Bible Church's music ministry and young adults ministry (UNION), playing music on his own again and being in the Word. I can't visit Ross nearly as often as I would like, but being reminded of that, not to mention seeing my best bud, was something I badly needed, especially after a major transition very late last year.

As for more recently, I experienced that a bit more deeply this past week both at work and with Nate this past week. Although I can't write much about this, I am reminded of a few things. Obviously, I can't recreate my Hope years of living closely among 3200 others and having my friends all within five to ten minutes' walk or drive away and available at the drop of a hat for most anything. Those four years were difficult, but some of the best I could have asked for.

That all said, the relationships and community we share in various arenas, both inside the church and outside and how we all minister to one another (and are ministered to in return) in ways we might never know except in ways God provides very quickly are still just as vital and significant now.

I haven't had such a deeply, personally incredible week in a long time.

T-I-M-E

As I think back to last weekend, I still marvel at how something seemingly ordinary can make a difference.

Two weeks ago at youth group (well, close to two), Jordan made a reference to a movie relevant to our discussion in the small group with the high school guys.  To our great surprise, NO ONE had seen it.  So that went out the window and once again, we're left trying to explain it and well... it's only so effective when you haven't seen it.  Probably not that effective, really.

Youth group ended and Jordan, Leo and I started brainstorming on doing a movie night sometime with the guys.  The small group was as much the spark as anything, plus this awesome space that I'm currently sitting in writing right now.  We pitched the idea to a couple of the guys, and they seemed geeked at the idea of hanging out, watching a movie and stuff.

Two days later, I'm sitting with a couple of our kids at a hockey game.  One of them asked me when we're holding this movie night and that he was looking forward to it.  Admittedly, having the guys over for a movie night sounded like a lot of fun to ME, but I never know for certain how much fun something will sound to everyone else, so I always have to guess at least a little bit.  So when I got home, I told Jordan we needed to get moving on said plans.

Fast forward again; Jordan's and my house suddenly goes from relatively quiet to three goofy high school guys roaring in the front door with Leo.  And it was great.  I was reminded how ministry to anyone, but especially younger people has many facets to it.

Sure, teaching is vital.  We have to know our stuff as the teachers and leaders.
We have to know how to present this stuff in an effective and meaningful way to our audiences.
And we have to be an example that, although not perfect and still growing ourselves, is someone that our kids would want to be like (and that their parents would also want them to be like as well!).

But after inviting a few of my kids over for a movie night and enough pizza with dead animal bits on it to build a new animal, I realized that there's another piece of the pie that I VERY often missed out when I myself was in high school and would have killed for with my youth leaders and the other guys in youth group.

Time.
Just doing something fun OUTSIDE church and youth group.
No teaching planned.
That matters too.  Jesus spent time with people He cared about and I'm realizing that I should, too.

It was less than 12 hours later when I was asked when we're doing it again.  :-)  The others asked at youth group when we're doing it again, too.

And I'd be glad to.  In fact, I'm already a little bummed that I won't be around for summertime to do it when they all have more time on their hands.

I am grateful.

The weekend at camp wasn't the best I've spent, which still is a little shocking.  I've had bad days at camp but a bumpy weekend is pretty rare for me (though the men's retreat group was a lot of fun with climbing).  It didn't help to leave with a slice to my hand from a razor-sharp can lid right before I had to drive home and having to worry about it bleeding again on the drive home in the dark, either.

Thankfully, Sunday things seemed to pick up.  Our music crew was a little (read: QUITE) anxious about the offertory with Corey and Hadley after things didn't go so hot during our sound check.  I heard things that, musically, displeased me and up to that point, hadn't been happening.  And furthermore, I didn't know why, either.

As it happened, I need not have worried.  The service music went well, the sound levels came together pretty well, and Kenny, Becky, and I were able to play for Corey & Hadley just fine.  More importantly, they were able to sing well and truly minister to not only the congregation but also to their Maker as well.  I've never seen a standing ovation for a church offertory, but it was a little exciting to witness that.  I was honored to be a part of that.

Gretel & Hansel Hansel & Gretel! What a hilariously witty, yet whimsically child-like drama!  Anesa hit a homerun with her dramatic retelling and the casting.  I was dying in my seat laughing watching Kenny lisp through that retainer and Kayela yelling at him the entire time.

And finally, youth group.  Sometimes, I freely admit I have no desire whatsoever to come and Sunday night was one of those nights.  I was worn out from working, I would have liked to kick back, and going all day nonstop on Sunday didn't interest me.  But I went anyway, in part because I said I'd be there, Pastor Jim was teaching, and I knew I needed to be there.

And it was most definitely worth it.  I haven't co-led a small group in a while, but last night I had the high school guys with Jordan and Leo, and discussing what he taught on King Solomon about what really matters in life.  Not only that, when it led to a discussion on some more difficult subject matter involving your life and legacy and how you proceed through this life, it was most encouraging that the guys were willing to step up to the challenge of not simply ignoring a "tough passage" (example: how do you handle tattoos?) when we asked them what to do with it through the lens of the Bible as a whole.

The more I think about it, the more I think working with youth group teaches and encourages me as much as I teach my kids.